tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2009-11-21:/MokoFeed2009-11-21T09:14:15+01:00tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-31:/2008/08/31/leaving-las-vegas-4663029/TabithasSecret2008-08-31T19:43:27+02:002008-08-31T19:43:27+02:00 <p>I hate drunk men. It's not going to make me like you more. In fact right now it's going to make me like you less. Maybe even begin to resent you, hate you, but certainly not want to have sex with you. Why would you ever think otherwise? </p> <p>So what if I'd only been asleep for an hour before you called? So what that I was drunk that night too? I didn't hear the phone vibrate, I didn't wake. I didn't drunk text you either. Maybe there's something in that that you and I both need to face. I don't miss you. I don't even think of you when I should be thinking of something else. </p> <p>It's a sobering thought.</p> <p>I'd already made my decision. Already decided that this train is no longer accepting passengers. All the new ones should just dutifully exit all carriages now please. Next stop Seattle.</p> <p>I feel bad, for thinking, for feeling the way I do. But I don't ever want to be like him. I don't ever want to make you feel that way. And it's a shame. You're so perfect in every other way. Maybe if I'd met you a year in the future, we'd be on the same page. Talk about a bad cliche - wrong time, wrong place. I wonder if you'd let me in, if I'd still be thinking the same. I hope so, for only the part of me that would allow me to crush our souls if I allowed things to continue.</p> <p>I only wish I could tell you. My biggest failure. Ironic given my oath, this vow of honesty I bestowed upon myself long ago. </p> <p>As if right on cue, thunder clouds pour rain apon me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/31/leaving-las-vegas-4663029/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-26:/2008/08/26/the-experiment-4641062/TabithasSecret2008-08-26T20:29:48+02:002008-08-26T21:08:12+02:00 <p>So I decided to set a test, an experiment if you will, to record people's reactions to certain aspects that occur in my life. Yesterday's test subject passed, rather spectacularly I might add. Part of me wishes he hadn't. </p> <p>Me, on the other hand, failed rather miserably in all respects. I keep telling myself that I learnt something from it. Not sure if I did. Not sure if the answer I got was what I wanted either. Through all my searching, there are some things I'd rather not discover. I'm rather annoyed about that. In the words of Annabel, I am, really badly rubbish. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/the-experiment-4641062/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-25:/2008/08/25/pheromones-choices-and-unrequitedness-4634389/TabithasSecret2008-08-25T13:18:00+02:002008-08-25T13:21:19+02:00 <p>So I think I'm giving off pheromones. I can't explain it any other way. I mean, I was never popular in school, it never was my time. I found myself at uni and I guess since then my love life's been a constant episode of unrequited relationships, brief flings... oh and my relationship with the ex of course. At the time I thought I'd finally come into my own. Little did I realise then, what I do now.</p> <p>So just as I'm begginning another chapter in the Story of Tabitha, I find myself surrounded by a flurry of guys. I know I complained before about a lack of male company, but this, this is not what I asked for. Well not entirely. Yes it's flattering, and no I'm not complaining, its just.... odd. I mean did I just flick this switch somewhere and they all came running? Am I sending out desperation vibes? 'Cause right now I'm just not feeling like that...</p> <p>The Other One said I have this charm, this smile; that he doesn't doubt it will cause me trouble and bring me happiness all in abundance. I don't think I can count on his views right now. But then my dreams about Mr H only serve to make me doubt my own. This is usually the time when intuition kicks in, only when your head and heart seem to be constantly at odds with each other, it's often hard to know who to listen to.</p> <p>Some of these men are just odd, some are I'm sorry, just plain ugly, and others well... I don't know. I just wish fate would come and make a decision for me so that I don't have to. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/pheromones-choices-and-unrequitedness-4634389/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-17:/2008/08/17/flavours-of-entanglement-4600073/TabithasSecret2008-08-17T15:13:12+02:002008-08-17T15:13:12+02:00 <p>So I'm feeling a little weird right now. Confused. Happy. Mellow. Excited... There's so many new and good things happening to me right now, and yet today I feel the undercurrent of sadness running through me. I can feel it in my chest and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't take hold of me today.</p> <p>I feel like I'm getting softer as I get older. Maybe its because I understand more about life and what there is to gain or lose. I used to be such a hard nut. I was never squeamish about anything, lapping up horror movies and laughing in the face of danger. Maybe it was the bullying at school - not physical, but verbal is bad enough. Like a true cancerian I built myself a shell and protected myself from the world.</p> <p>So on 08.08.08, the luckiest day in the world according to some, my new nephew was born. He entered the world thousands of miles away from me, all innocent and pure. He's the first Grandson and no doubt he will be spoiled rotten by my family whenever we visit. The following day I was told my Grandfather was in hospital. He's had many problems over the years and has been in and out of hospital on many occasions. Somehow I knew this time was different. The doctors have said he has up to six months to live. Part of me cursed my brother for emigrating out of the country. My parents were upset when he took my niece, the first grandchild, first great grandchild, out of the country. We see them through the webcam and photos but my Grandad's eyesight has almost gone, now I know he will never meet that boy. He knows us all by our voice and footsteps but little Cole will be nothing but an invisible memory, and that saddens me.</p> <p>So I've been carrying on as though life is normal. Settling into the new job, still going down the local, metting up with guys for random dates. I met a great guy on friday. We really hit it off and he's cute and gave me that fuzzy feeling that I haven't felt in a while. Not even with The Other One. But today I got a call. The ex.</p> <p>Why oh why does he pick these moments to call me? Anyway it was a strange conversation. One of the few times since we've split that we've had a normal decent conversation. No arguing, no shouting, no tears. We used to work together and he said he'd noticed my name was at the bottom of the company's consultants scoreboard for performance. Asked if I was still there. I gushed for ages about how I'd left and moved on and that life was much better now. I probably shouldn't have said so much but I couldn't help myself. Part of me was touched that he'd even searched for my name. Maybe a part of him still looked out for me too. I couldn't shake the feeling that he'd lost a lot of respect and credibility in his work after what he did to me.</p> <p>Then he apologised. Which was amusing. I told him it wouldn't change things and that was he doing it to make himself feel better. He didn't comment. He said he had wanted to call me for a while but too much had been going on in his head. I told him that was part of the problem. Then he said he'd like to call me again, but probably wouldn't or shouldn't. Which was weird. I couldn't say that I was surprised I hadn't bumped into him at the station - I still didn't want him to know that I lived nearby and hadn't moved out of town like I'd implied before. Part of me wishes I had so that he'd know I hadn't gone because of him. After all I introduced him to this place...</p> <p>And of course now his number is back in my phone. Which I wish it wasn't. I deleted it to save me from doing something stupid. And now the temptation's there and though we settled everything it still botheres me. We finally ended things on good terms - be it seven months too late - it was what I wanted and now its here... I don't know. </p> <p>Thank God I'm going through my female songstress phase, or I don't think I'd have the energy to work this through... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/17/flavours-of-entanglement-4600073/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-09:/2008/08/09/cut-your-teeth-on-turquiose-harmonicas-4564277/TabithasSecret2008-08-09T17:57:44+02:002008-08-09T18:33:25+02:00 <p>I don't dance. Not really anyway. Which is weird considering my obsession with music. Hays told me yesterday that as women, we are unique in the fact that we are music geeks. I'd honestly never thought about it before. Music is such an integral part of my life that I'd never considered it as a male or female attribute. I'm not sure I totally believe or agree with her though. Film geeks, sci fi geeks, we're all the same, no matter our sex, race or creed.</p> <p>So last night I invited a few mates round for drinks. I don't think they got the whole quiet night in with a bottle of wine idea and turned up with a crate of beer. By midnight we were dancing in the kitchen to Vampire Weekend, cans littering the table. My idea of 'dancing' normally consists of bobbing my head up and down at a gig, tapping my feet and wiggling my legs and occassionally jumping up and down. Last night I was doing my imitation of a drunken festival goer. It was fabulous.</p> <p>I missed my school reunion last night. On purpose mind. Couldn't think of anything worse than going to a so-called 'club' in my home town and having to make small talk with people I no longer have anything in common with. I've kept in touch with those that I consider friends - and they are friends, some of the best - and don't understand some people's desire to reach back ten years into the past. School was school, for the most part. Just because we're older it doesn't make any difference to how we were or how we acted then. G said he'd love to go back to his to prove to himself how much he's changed. I told him I didn't see how that would help me. Yes I've changed since I was 16 and yes most of the others probably have too. They've certainly all got families and children to prove it. But that doesn't mean I need to sit and discuss what I've been doing with my life. The whole reason I left was to make something more than what that place offered me. I felt suffocated and though in the schemes of things I haven't really moved very far, my life couldn't be further away from what it was back then. I don't need to see those from the past to see how much I've changed because I already see it. </p> <p>Sometimes I think they see me as this big hotshot who works in the city who is constantly on the move and never looking back. In reality I couldn't be further away from that stereotypical view that falls upon those when they think of London. In fact I think I'd be more lonely if I lived back home. And I wouldn't want them to think I deem their lives less worthy because I don't. We just took different paths at the fork in the road and somehow I don't think they'd understand that. </p> <p>I could have spent last night dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, dancing in some concrete hut to terrible music and pretending I was enjoying the company of old friends. But instead I was dancing in my turreted kitchen with my weird and wacky pals to my favourite music and celebrating all the good things that have come my way. As much as I hate country music and westerns, I could have pictured myself in an old barn dance in deep south America and thought how at home I'd feel. Maybe I should dance more often... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/09/cut-your-teeth-on-turquiose-harmonicas-4564277/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-04:/2008/08/04/when-harry-met-sally-i-hope-not-4543196/TabithasSecret2008-08-04T21:10:37+02:002008-08-04T21:16:13+02:00 <p>I first met The Other One a few years ago. I was attracted to him then, and just as I was working up the courage to do something about it I found out he had just started dating someone else. I knew her - she was a lot younger than me, even more than him but despite that she seemed nice. Annoyingly nice that I couldn't even dislike her.</p> <p>We both moved on. I met someone else. His relationship ended and a while after he went travelling around South America. He came back a few months after I'd split with the ex. He told me I looked like crap. And I did. The combination of work stress, stomach problems and a failed relationship had made me lose weight. No one else had noticed. Not until a few months afterwards when I was already better and had got everything under control. He said my smile still looked beautiful though. I simply invited him to my housewarming. </p> <p>A drunken conversation, followed by a drunken incident a few months later. We both knew it would bubble to the surface at some point. </p> <p>We had a long chat last week. I told him he had to decide. He had to choose between friendship or something more. No more bouncing between the layers of grey. He said he couldn't handle being in a relationship right now. Friendship it was. I was so relieved I was almost happy about it. I felt free. The summer soundtrack was turned up to full volume and the sun had come out. I practically skipped to work the following morning.</p> <p>Last night however was a different story. He made me cry myself to sleep. And not because he said anything bad or wrong. More the opposite. Without knowing it, he gave me the greatest birthday present ever and I made the mistake of thanking him for it. I'm actually glad, relieved somewhat, that he was oblivious to the whole thing. Truth was he restored my faith, not in men, but in the selflessness of others. He was so intent on making sure I had a good time that night. It was all about me and no one else. Made me feel like I'd been constantly giving for long time, and had so little receiving.</p> <p>Maybe it all hit me last night, I don't know. I'd felt like I needed a hug all day, and had no one to give me one. I'm not one for overt affection. I rarely hug my friends, and when I do its to comfort or congratulate them, and it's always a little awkward. To ask them for one would have just been weird.</p> <p>I told him I missed him last night. Asked if it was okay to say that, after everything, after all we were friends before, and above all else. He said he couldn't be trusted around me anymore. </p> <p>I've never been in such a flux before. To love someone, to know they feel the same, and yet to consciously do nothing about it. I know that if we were to have a relationship right now it would be wrong. Knowing each other's history, knowing all that baggage, and where we are now. We would destroy each other. I've never felt so strongly about anything. And yet part of me feels like I'm in mourning.</p> <p>So I cried silent tears last night, for the things he taught me. For the things he won't teach me. Never thought it was possible to miss something you've never had, before. </p> <p>I just hope I don't end up here again in another few years.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/04/when-harry-met-sally-i-hope-not-4543196/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-03:/2008/08/03/aquot-mania-is-like-gravity-all-it-takes-4538379/TabithasSecret2008-08-03T20:47:14+02:002008-08-03T20:49:44+02:00 <p>So I was explaining to my friend the other day about the book I'm reading. It's a crime novel, like the normal sort of genre I read, yet this one is really quite dark. It's told from the point of view of a young boy who finds a victim of a child serial killer, and how that and other events that occur shape his life. Sometimes it feels too troubled for me to read. Like I'm dippping into someone's mind who's slightly off kilter but through no fault of his own. Sometimes there are words or phrases that really hit home to me. That no matter where or what period of time this novel is set, what it is saying is somehow relevent to my viewpoint on the world right now. </p> <p>I've never been affected by a book like this before. I've been engrossed, I've been infatuated. I've felt connected to other people through their writing and somehow been relieved. Good or bad, you're not the only one thing think these things, feel these things and it makes you feel less alone. But I've never wanted to see how something ends so badly and yet be too afraid to pick it up to find out. </p> <p>My friend said she hated books that tell you how a person is thinking. That she has enough problems of her own to get too absorbed in someone else's. I know that sometimes, it is unhealthy.</p> <p>I've known a few people in my time who've suffered from mental illnesses. Depression, manic depression, mental breakdowns. It still amazes me how others surrounding the victims never talk about it, as though its a secret told only in whispers. It happened to a school friend when I was 17 and no one ever told us anything. We kept in touch even through the dark times, but I never knew her after that, not really. And like the others I've met since, we rarely speak anymore. </p> <p>In every person since then, I can see it when I meet others the same. Like a vaccine detecting a virus. Alarm bells go off and you treat them differently to others in order to protect yourself.</p> <p>I heard a theory once, how all were born innocent. That evil is like a virus you can catch when you're vulnerable. Then one day a stresser - a broken relationship, a death, unemployment - can make you susceptible to this evil and allow a good person to change. My innocent friend doesn't always understand how such evil can exist in the world, how some people can do the things they do. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes I will say that although I don't accept it, I can sometimes understand it - how certain people can do things so unforgivable and yet still have a reason behind it. No matter how little sense it makes or what trivial reasons. She will look at me and ask how I know such things. I merely tell her that it's the ones without rhyme or reason that we have to worry about. </p> <p>She doesn't watch horror films with me anymore...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/03/aquot-mania-is-like-gravity-all-it-takes-4538379/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-01:/2008/08/02/on-a-different-note-4531574/TabithasSecret2008-08-02T00:28:27+02:002008-08-02T00:28:27+02:00 <p>I just loved July 2008. Awesome month. Full of too many good things for one month in my opinion. I mean I'm normally someone who likes to spread things out. Too much excitement in one go normally tilts me off my axis and I lose touch with myself and reality. Some spontaneity, on the other hand, is often what I need and I've learnt through my month of strangeness that it can often allow many rewards to spring my way. Ironic that it's also produced the weirdest and longest indepth analysis of myself.</p> <p>So despite some of the things I've endured, the bad possibles and even worse male friends, I find myself craving more. I decided that I would try to tame myself in certain areas, get myself back on track. But maybe I don't need to. Maybe this really is the new me, and I've changed too much already to turn back. I'm feeling like I should embrace it. This is the year of change afterall... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/02/on-a-different-note-4531574/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-08-01:/2008/08/01/listening-to-myself-4531507/TabithasSecret2008-08-01T23:59:56+02:002008-08-01T23:59:56+02:00 <p>I was floating on cloud nine when I jumped off the train and headed up the hill home. My latest new cd was on play - my perfect summer tracks. In the perfect mood to celebrate, have a few drinks and slope off home after dark. Something happened in the transition between food and tv. I became tired and restless. And now after enjoying a quiet night in relaxing I feel deflated. </p> <p>After everything that's happened this week, my mind seems to have shut down parts of itself. And yet he still creeps into my mind unwanted. I don't miss him. Stopped loving him the minute I woke up to the truth. If I let it, the anger can flare inside, but I don't like to indulge in that. I gave The Other One a piece of advice yesterday and felt like I was talking to myself.</p> <p>Don't let the past ruin the future.</p> <p>I could have done with a drink with Buddy. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/08/01/listening-to-myself-4531507/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-27:/2008/07/27/pwei-4506865/TabithasSecret2008-07-27T17:31:48+02:002008-07-27T17:31:48+02:00 <p>So I've been reading and writing a lot recently. Because it's been nice weather, I've taken to strolling down to the river, sitting on a bench and reading my book. Which has been good as it means I've finally got more than a quarter of a way through, and I'm no longer as white as a lump of snow.</p> <p>Starting to think that its not good for me right now. I think too much and all these random thoughts going round in my head aren't being helped much by that. I'm going to be busy next week though. And tired. So we'll see. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/27/pwei-4506865/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-27:/2008/07/27/i-m-walking-on-dangerous-ground-4505809/TabithasSecret2008-07-27T13:18:56+02:002008-07-27T13:18:56+02:00 <p>So I've written a note to my ex today:</p> <p>"So I've been thinking about the message you sent the other day. Maybe I was being a bit harsh in not talking to you. I've moved on from everything and am happy. You contacting me out of the blue wasn't very fair - not in the light of everything.</p> <p>So I no longer have your number (hence the email) but if you feel that you finally have the courage to actually give me an explanation for everything (cos lets face it you never made it easy on me, and no excuses please, you're meant to be a grown man) then you can. I don't want to go over old ground and cannot guarantee how I will react, but you sounded like you needed to get something off your chest.</p> <p>Maybe its wrong of me to be contacting you. And maybe you should never have contacted me. But maybe you need to do some redeeming and maybe I shouldn't deny you of that."</p> <p>I haven't sent it. I really want to. But part of me is screaming no, let things be. Sigh....</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/27/i-m-walking-on-dangerous-ground-4505809/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-25:/2008/07/25/your-life-can-change-in-one-year-4497182/TabithasSecret2008-07-25T13:57:30+02:002008-07-25T13:57:30+02:00 <p>So that was the headline one some junk mail I received today. Felt kind of fitting considering all the thoughts that have been going round in my head lately.</p> <p>So I've done all the life changing things this year. Split up with my boyfriend. Moved house. Got my social life back. Rediscovered myself. Quit my well paid but crappy job. Got a new job. Booked a ticket to America. Stepped out of my comfort zone at least once a month. Got back into the music scene. I could go on and bullet point them all but I won't. Not right now anyway.</p> <p>So what else is there left to do? Well the year is already half over, and yet to me it feels like it's only just started. I guess this is a good thing, to be so optimistic.</p> <p>One thing that was travelling through my mind yesterday was the whole 'monster of my own making' thing. A conversation I had with some former colleagues just unwillingly sprang into my mind. How I thought most artists, musicians, writers, poets etc etc were tortured souls. How their creativeness was an outlet for all those emotions stored up. Or that sometimes writing a world of fantasy was just a way to escape the real world. I don't know if that's what I truely believe but it has been a theory that's been stuck in my mind for a while. They seemed to think it was odd. Maybe it was. Or maybe I was just projecting myself onto situations again.</p> <p>It's weird. I had a "normal" childhood, whatever that is. Well lets just say I had a happy childhood. My parents are still together and my siblings, as different as we all are, seem to be quite close. Or so everyone tells me. I guess we are just all naturally family orientated - growing up in a house full of all sorts of random people made us all club together I guess.</p> <p>Anyway I could've done anything at school. I wasn't a genius or anything. More of an all rounder, but I was good at the stable subjects - Maths (which I loved and felt like a total geek for doing so), english and science. I hated Drama. But my passion was always music and art. I would have gone on to study music further, had I not engrossed myself in rock 'n' roll and completely misunderstood the importance of Amadeus's private life to his work. I got bored with theory and quite frankly, knew I wasn't good enough. And they always wondered why I played jazz so much...</p> <p>Anyway so many were suprised when I chose to go to art college. Like it was a bolt out of the blue. That I'd never get a good job from it. And I guess part of me never knew where it came from either. Liked I'd a waved my finger over a prospectus and gone, yep, thats want I want to do, on the first course my finger touched.</p> <p>Looking back the signs were always there. I had every craft kit you could imagine. I always drew out my bedroom on graph paper whenever I wanted to change it. And once I even found myself drawing scaled cross sections of things I'd made out of mechanno.</p> <p>So where did this person come from? Why do I feel so confused about little things? Did all those years of painting create this tortured person I have become to love and yet sometimes loathe? There was certainly no event in my life to trigger it off. Not that I can recall anyway.</p> <p>If I hadn't chosen music or art, it would certainly have been maths. I loved solving things. I even loved algebra for God's sake! What would have happened to me if I'd gone down that route? My whole life would be different...</p> <p>So maybe was wrong. But painting with music blearing out of my headphones was always theraputic for me. And now I design for a living, it is somewhat a stress. But the need is still there.</p> <p>I can't help but hope this is all building towards something. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/25/your-life-can-change-in-one-year-4497182/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-24:/2008/07/24/sounds-odd-i-know-but-it-s-true-4495070/TabithasSecret2008-07-24T23:49:57+02:002008-07-24T23:49:57+02:00 <p>So I've discovered this site - it's what started up by obsession again - where you can watch old tv shows online. Simply can't get enough of it. So many things I adored I can watch at a click of a button. Yeah the quality is bad and the sound terrible but I love it and it's kinda making me relive my teenage years. Figures, considering I feel like I'm going through 'teenage years phase 2'.</p> <p>So anyway, I haven't been on it for two whole days, so I'm proud of myself. As a kid I would watch endless reruns of my favourite shows just to make myself feel better. Kind of like eating a bar of chocolate when you're down. Only I would watch episodes at a time, which probably coincides with my occasional bouts of insomnia, and end up ignoring the outside world for a while. Anyway I got over that obsession a few years ago. I even managed to not go through it during the split. In fact I was so determined to not relapse during that time, that I convinced myself that I could get through it alone. And just when I feel like I'm over the whole relationship meltdown, it flares up again. But I beat it before. I'm certainly not going to let myself get too absorbed this time. Besides there are too many other things going on in my life right now. I might miss something if I stop looking. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/24/sounds-odd-i-know-but-it-s-true-4495070/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-24:/2008/07/24/title-4492699/TabithasSecret2008-07-24T13:58:06+02:002008-07-24T18:11:19+02:00 <p>So I'm back on the drink. Still feeling odd.</p> <p>Met up with Possible A. Not sure what to make of it all. He was nice and we talked about all sorts of things. There were a few awkward silences, which he took to think that I was nervous. I couldn't say that no, it just made me realise there was no chemistry between us, despite getting along. I don't think he thought so. We'll see.</p> <p>And then I felt bad because I met up with Bud afterwards and we had a great time. Talking to him is so easy, no awkward silences there. Sometimes it still amazes me that we've only known each other for a couple of months. Other times I just feel bad. I couldn't tell Bud I'd just been on a date. Don't know why. Maybe because I didn't want him to think I was using him as a crutch of some sort. I'm not. But I did tell him I miss male company, to which he said he does too. We joked about how it was a good thing for me. Maybe not for him. He did keep saying I should meet his mate Adam. Despite the fact that it sounded like a great idea (and Bud seems to have good taste) I couldn't bring myself to agree.</p> <p>Anyway I'm out with Possible P tonight. Feeling a bit more hopeful about this one. Still not sure what to make of it all. Or why I'm doing this. But I feel I need to get back out there, even if I don't know what I want exactly. But maybe that's the point... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/24/title-4492699/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-23:/2008/07/23/title-4488540/TabithasSecret2008-07-23T15:06:40+02:002008-07-23T15:11:36+02:00 <p>Mr H asked me if I'd ever asked myself the question. He was sitting opposite me at the table, eating the food he'd bought us. I told him I was a social drinker. He said you only get social smokers. I told him I didn't agree. I don't wake up needing a drink. I rarely drink at home. When I go out I only have two or three drinks at most. It just happened that the rare times we'd talked about it I'd been out on a celebration the night before. That and the fact that he drinks way more than he thinks he should - and would never admit it. Maybe he was projecting himself onto me. I went along with it just so I could spend time talking to him. I still have that niggling thought in the back of my mind...</p> <p>In light of recent events, I decided to not get drunk for a while. Not only was there the incident with the Other One but in a recent fit of despair I called up Buddy. He lives down the road. We went to the local. I ended up telling him about what happened with the ex, despite not wanting to. I liked the fact that Buddy didn't know him, never met him, never would, didn't know of his existence apart from sweeping comments in passing conversations. But the ex was on my mind. Foremost for contacting me out of the blue. He said he wanted to talk - I told him where to get lost. Politely though. I knew that would annoy him more than me providing some sort of emotional response.</p> <p>I didn't project any of this onto Buddy though. We had a great night. Chatted until they chucked us out. Mainly about the usual, though we did discover some new things that we have in common. We agreed to see a film in few weeks. I like Buddy. He's so witty and lighthearted about everything. He makes things seem simple and uncomplicated. There's more than meets the eye with that one I'm sure, but I enjoy the easiness at which we interact. I wish I fancied him...</p> <p>We parted ways on the hill, despite me hinting heavily that we should carry on drinking for no other reason than we could. And we'd had fun. We don't live more than five minutes from each other, yet we have yet to visit each other's places. I find this odd. And yet it's just another thing about Buddy that I like. He keeps himself guarded and rewards me occasionally when I break through his barriers. I can't help thinking that part of me might be disappointed if I ever got a full showing of the 'real buddy show'.</p> <p>As I left Bud in search of home I happened across another gentleman. Young, cute and slighty odd set of clothes. I was merry, what can I say. I didn't mean to start talking to him, and ordinarily I probably shouldn't. But he was nice, made sure I got home, and surprisingly we had a lot in common for someone I'd just met in the street late at night...</p> <p>It was this that made me stop going to the pub. The Other One told me it's my holiday - I'm allowed to drink. I just felt like I was being too promiscuous, by my standards anyway, whatever they are. I didn't tell him that. I thought things would get either better or worse after the incident. But the fact that it's just stayed the same tells me more than he has ever been willing to give. </p> <p>So with Mr H in the background, The Other One will soon fade I'm sure, and I've got a date tonight with Possible A. Not sure what's going to happen. Not sure I want anything to. Feel like I should get back on the drink again. Like I said I feel weird. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/23/title-4488540/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-23:/2008/07/23/title-4488043/TabithasSecret2008-07-23T13:16:52+02:002008-07-23T13:18:31+02:00 <p>I feel weird. I seem to be getting back into some old habits that I never had when I was in a relationship. I guess I just developed new ones with him.</p> <p>So I'm back to obsessing again. It's taken me six months to finally be able to watch something with a little semble of gushiness that makes you feel gooey inside. Still not okay with the public display of affection scenario... In fact I know I will never be okay with that, single or not single....</p> <p>So yeah and along with the obsessing comes the addiction. My addiction to the internet is gripping me like a vice right now. And to think I had all these things planned to do while I'm not working... It sucks. Why did I ever allow myself to get absorbed into this again? Then a part of me tells me it's okay I'm allowed to do what I want when I'm on holiday. Part of me feels bad for wasting it. And it's ruining my sleep. My back hurts from sleeping funny. I don't go to bed until like one or two, then wonder why I sleep in so late.</p> <p>I'm beginning to think it was wrong of me to give up the drink for a while.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/23/title-4488043/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-21:/2008/07/21/mr-h-the-other-one-and-two-new-possibles-4481112/TabithasSecret2008-07-21T23:23:39+02:002008-07-21T23:25:52+02:00 <p>So in the light of day you'd think things might be clearer. They are. And they're not.</p> <p>The ex boss, Mr H, I've come to decide is not a possibilty in the dating stakes. Not this side of new year anyway. I love him, deeply, but as a friend, whom I miss greatly. And yet I still can't bring myself to call him to let him know... I hate my stubborness sometimes...</p> <p>So that brings me to the other dilema. The Other One. Also an ex colleague (I'm starting to see a pattern here, which I don't like. And to think I once had a policy about dating people I work with. It also makes it sound like I don't have a life outside of work which simply isn't true...)</p> <p>Anyway there's always been a spark between me and the other one. But due to complications, it has never happened. Just when I thought something was going to happen, it didn't and I was back to thinking he just didn't understand. I was dropping hints left right and centre. I didn't think I could be anymore obvious by inviting him over and telling him the flatmates were away... He never came round. Stupid man.</p> <p>I came to a decision a few weeks ago. Enough was enough. I won't entertain his games anymore. I was fed up of the chase - it wasn't exciting and it certainly hadn't got us anywhere. Besides my work rule came into force and considering he wasn't making a move I decided to call it quits. </p> <p>That only seemed to make things worse in a way. I stopped contacting him un-necessarily and yet maybe he thought I was playing hard to get. He just kept contacting me.</p> <p>Things finally came to head, as I thought they would at some point or other, at a work function. We both got incredibly drunk... I know that sounds bad but we didn't go there. It just gave us an excuse to finally get some of that sexual tension out of the way. I thank God that no one at work has the faintest idea. </p> <p>Anyway he was the perfect gentleman and not the least bit selfish. It was all about me, he said. I felt adored. No man has ever wanted to give me so much before... It's a bit overwhelming. And yet I feel strangely content about it all. Nothing untoward happened. We had fun. We enjoyed ourselves.</p> <p>And now? Nothing. He still contacts me. I merely respond back in my normal fashion. I mention the fact that we can't talk about anything important unless we are drunk. He tells me work sucks without me and yet he's still thinking about leaving the country and heading out to his place in the sun. I can stay in his spare room apparently...</p> <p>So I have a few dates this week. Neither guy is remotely connected to work - current or old. Kind of intrigued. Kind of not bothered. I need a distraction. Where is my kinght in shining armour when I need him?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/21/mr-h-the-other-one-and-two-new-possibles-4481112/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-07-20:/2008/07/20/seeking-the-unattainable-4475545/TabithasSecret2008-07-20T21:00:41+02:002008-07-20T21:04:48+02:00 <p>So life has changed somewhat. Good, better, worse, different? Who knows?</p> <p>I took a walk today. Felt like the longest walk in my life and yet it wasn't enough. I put my music on shuffle, turned it up as loud as it could go. The stroll down the hill made me feel like John Travlolta, my dance to the music only invisible to those that could see. Felt like singing out loud; felt like running as fast as I could go. But I did neither. Just hurried along as though my life depended on it.</p> <p>A dose of loud music is supposed to be good for you, so Feng Shui says... </p> <p>So I headed for the river, took the long way round. For some reason I felt the need to be around people, as much as I hid from them by blocking out their sounds. Through the high street, past the park, hoping that I would bump into some wonderful stranger who could sweep me off my feet and whisk me away from this.</p> <p>Part of me wished I hadn't cancelled my date for later, but it just didn't sit right, meeting a guy I barely knew when the sole reason I headed towards the river was to 'bump' into someone I did know. It was stupid really. I don't know what's come over me. All this need to see people, be around those who show me any attention. </p> <p>I don't know how or when this attraction really started. Maybe it was always there, in fact looking back I've always been aware of it, just not of its magnitude until today. I always thought, no I always said, that I knew he would be a great friend of mine for were he not my boss. "Don't mix business with pleasure" ran through my head. For a long time I guess...</p> <p>But he was the only one who was there for me. The only one who noticed that I wasn't me when it all went wrong. And I know what you're thinking - that he's your boss he's meant to notice, but when you have a boss who doesn't work in the same building as you and only see once in a while, it kind of touched me. After all no one else who worked with me noticed...</p> <p>He was there for me, listened to me babble, held me when I cried. My voice of reason. My outsider looking in when I got too close to see. I miss him.</p> <p>Maybe that's why I headed to the river. I knew the chance of him being there was remote and yet I headed there anyway, his voice echoing through my head 'I was drinking by the river on sunday and thought it would be funny if I bumped into you...' If he didn't have a girlfriend I would wonder why he said that... But who am I kidding? I still wonder why he said that. </p> <p>Part of me thinks I'm just confused. Scrap that I am confused. Because he was there for me in a time of need, have I mistaken his concern, his support for something more? I've never got that vibe from him, other than his friendship, so why do I question it? Why are these thoughts running through my mind? I don't want to feel like this.</p> <p>Another part of me wonders whether it is just another need that I am trying to fulfill - the need for male company. It's been following me around for days. The tomboy in me never goes away and the over-abundance of female friends is starting to overwhelm me. I just want to catch a football match, drink a beer and shout and cheer at the tv...</p> <p>But no matter how much I walked, how many peoples benches I sat on along the way, I just couldn't shake the thought of him. There are other men in my life right now and yet they all barely got a look in, in my mind. </p> <p>So I didn't see him. I knew I wouldn't; didn't know what I would have done if I did. I knew it was stupid. But I can't help how I feel. And the walk, wore me out though it did, didn't serve its purpose. The only thing I got from all this is the one thing that I already know. That he is my friend and I miss him...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/07/20/seeking-the-unattainable-4475545/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk,2008-04-24:/2008/04/24/it-s-not-my-birthday-but-i-can-cry-if-i--4088624/TabithasSecret2008-04-24T16:45:30+02:002008-04-24T16:45:30+02:00 <p>I cried today. I thought I was over it. Strike that, part of me thinks I will never be over it. I can't believe its been 3 months and yet its only just officially over. It was over long before he cheated I guess; long before I chucked him out; but the ties to properties you share, possessions you split, friends who divide, never make it a clean break. I wish it had, maybe life would be easier now.</p> <p>It's stupid really. I've moved on just as he did before he told me it was over, and yet it still manages to upset me even now. He was a bastard plain and simple. Never taking any blame or responsibility for what he did, and yet why I am the one suffering? He acted the child, spread the lies and crucified my world. Funny how the innocent ones are always made to suffer and those without a conscience sleep well at night.</p> <p>I had another nightmare last night. First one since the weeks surrounding the split. Its a recurring thing; one I've had many a time before I even met him; yet its still something that bothers me. It started as a tortured soul looking down at me.... now I wonder if its someone sent to watch over me. My dad called her Gloria. I always felt like it was a man. The name Dave springs to mind, which is ironic. The only Dave's I've ever known have been exs', one night stands or objects of my affections. </p> <p>Well I kinda know the reason why I'm upset today. A number or reasons actually.<br> One - hormones.<br> Two - relief that its finally over and he can't hurt me anymore.<br> Three - I fancy someone else and its really confusing the hell out of me.<br> Four - said bloke likes me back and wants to make a go of things.<br> Five - there could've been a thing with me and said bloke before the 'bastard' came onto the scene which makes the whole thing worse.<br> Six - I'm not sure I should even go out with 'said bloke'.<br> Seven - I still want to scream to the world what 'bastard' really did without losing my dignity... </p> <p>I just hate everyone thinking he's a good guy when he's not. If he made a mistake, owned up to it and apologised for it then yeah, I could forgive him. But he didn't. And it wasn't just one mistake. And it's what he did afterwards that makes it all worse - and why I can never forgive him.</p> <p>I wish this lump in my throat would go away...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://tabithassecrets.blog.co.uk/2008/04/24/it-s-not-my-birthday-but-i-can-cry-if-i--4088624/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>