So I'm feeling a little weird right now. Confused. Happy. Mellow. Excited... There's so many new and good things happening to me right now, and yet today I feel the undercurrent of sadness running through me. I can feel it in my chest and I'm sincerely hoping it doesn't take hold of me today.
I feel like I'm getting softer as I get older. Maybe its because I understand more about life and what there is to gain or lose. I used to be such a hard nut. I was never squeamish about anything, lapping up horror movies and laughing in the face of danger. Maybe it was the bullying at school - not physical, but verbal is bad enough. Like a true cancerian I built myself a shell and protected myself from the world.
So on 08.08.08, the luckiest day in the world according to some, my new nephew was born. He entered the world thousands of miles away from me, all innocent and pure. He's the first Grandson and no doubt he will be spoiled rotten by my family whenever we visit. The following day I was told my Grandfather was in hospital. He's had many problems over the years and has been in and out of hospital on many occasions. Somehow I knew this time was different. The doctors have said he has up to six months to live. Part of me cursed my brother for emigrating out of the country. My parents were upset when he took my niece, the first grandchild, first great grandchild, out of the country. We see them through the webcam and photos but my Grandad's eyesight has almost gone, now I know he will never meet that boy. He knows us all by our voice and footsteps but little Cole will be nothing but an invisible memory, and that saddens me.
So I've been carrying on as though life is normal. Settling into the new job, still going down the local, metting up with guys for random dates. I met a great guy on friday. We really hit it off and he's cute and gave me that fuzzy feeling that I haven't felt in a while. Not even with The Other One. But today I got a call. The ex.
Why oh why does he pick these moments to call me? Anyway it was a strange conversation. One of the few times since we've split that we've had a normal decent conversation. No arguing, no shouting, no tears. We used to work together and he said he'd noticed my name was at the bottom of the company's consultants scoreboard for performance. Asked if I was still there. I gushed for ages about how I'd left and moved on and that life was much better now. I probably shouldn't have said so much but I couldn't help myself. Part of me was touched that he'd even searched for my name. Maybe a part of him still looked out for me too. I couldn't shake the feeling that he'd lost a lot of respect and credibility in his work after what he did to me.
Then he apologised. Which was amusing. I told him it wouldn't change things and that was he doing it to make himself feel better. He didn't comment. He said he had wanted to call me for a while but too much had been going on in his head. I told him that was part of the problem. Then he said he'd like to call me again, but probably wouldn't or shouldn't. Which was weird. I couldn't say that I was surprised I hadn't bumped into him at the station - I still didn't want him to know that I lived nearby and hadn't moved out of town like I'd implied before. Part of me wishes I had so that he'd know I hadn't gone because of him. After all I introduced him to this place...
And of course now his number is back in my phone. Which I wish it wasn't. I deleted it to save me from doing something stupid. And now the temptation's there and though we settled everything it still botheres me. We finally ended things on good terms - be it seven months too late - it was what I wanted and now its here... I don't know.
Thank God I'm going through my female songstress phase, or I don't think I'd have the energy to work this through...
