welcome to my world

So I've discovered this site - it's what started up by obsession again - where you can watch old tv shows online. Simply can't get enough of it. So many things I adored I can watch at a click of a button. Yeah the quality is bad and the sound terrible but I love it and it's kinda making me relive my teenage years. Figures, considering I feel like I'm going through 'teenage years phase 2'.

So anyway, I haven't been on it for two whole days, so I'm proud of myself. As a kid I would watch endless reruns of my favourite shows just to make myself feel better. Kind of like eating a bar of chocolate when you're down. Only I would watch episodes at a time, which probably coincides with my occasional bouts of insomnia, and end up ignoring the outside world for a while. Anyway I got over that obsession a few years ago. I even managed to not go through it during the split. In fact I was so determined to not relapse during that time, that I convinced myself that I could get through it alone. And just when I feel like I'm over the whole relationship meltdown, it flares up again. But I beat it before. I'm certainly not going to let myself get too absorbed this time. Besides there are too many other things going on in my life right now. I might miss something if I stop looking.

So I'm back on the drink. Still feeling odd.

Met up with Possible A. Not sure what to make of it all. He was nice and we talked about all sorts of things. There were a few awkward silences, which he took to think that I was nervous. I couldn't say that no, it just made me realise there was no chemistry between us, despite getting along. I don't think he thought so. We'll see.

And then I felt bad because I met up with Bud afterwards and we had a great time. Talking to him is so easy, no awkward silences there. Sometimes it still amazes me that we've only known each other for a couple of months. Other times I just feel bad. I couldn't tell Bud I'd just been on a date. Don't know why. Maybe because I didn't want him to think I was using him as a crutch of some sort. I'm not. But I did tell him I miss male company, to which he said he does too. We joked about how it was a good thing for me. Maybe not for him. He did keep saying I should meet his mate Adam. Despite the fact that it sounded like a great idea (and Bud seems to have good taste) I couldn't bring myself to agree.

Anyway I'm out with Possible P tonight. Feeling a bit more hopeful about this one. Still not sure what to make of it all. Or why I'm doing this. But I feel I need to get back out there, even if I don't know what I want exactly. But maybe that's the point...