I cried today. I thought I was over it. Strike that, part of me thinks I will never be over it. I can't believe its been 3 months and yet its only just officially over. It was over long before he cheated I guess; long before I chucked him out; but the ties to properties you share, possessions you split, friends who divide, never make it a clean break. I wish it had, maybe life would be easier now.
It's stupid really. I've moved on just as he did before he told me it was over, and yet it still manages to upset me even now. He was a bastard plain and simple. Never taking any blame or responsibility for what he did, and yet why I am the one suffering? He acted the child, spread the lies and crucified my world. Funny how the innocent ones are always made to suffer and those without a conscience sleep well at night.
I had another nightmare last night. First one since the weeks surrounding the split. Its a recurring thing; one I've had many a time before I even met him; yet its still something that bothers me. It started as a tortured soul looking down at me.... now I wonder if its someone sent to watch over me. My dad called her Gloria. I always felt like it was a man. The name Dave springs to mind, which is ironic. The only Dave's I've ever known have been exs', one night stands or objects of my affections.
Well I kinda know the reason why I'm upset today. A number or reasons actually.
One - hormones.
Two - relief that its finally over and he can't hurt me anymore.
Three - I fancy someone else and its really confusing the hell out of me.
Four - said bloke likes me back and wants to make a go of things.
Five - there could've been a thing with me and said bloke before the 'bastard' came onto the scene which makes the whole thing worse.
Six - I'm not sure I should even go out with 'said bloke'.
Seven - I still want to scream to the world what 'bastard' really did without losing my dignity...
I just hate everyone thinking he's a good guy when he's not. If he made a mistake, owned up to it and apologised for it then yeah, I could forgive him. But he didn't. And it wasn't just one mistake. And it's what he did afterwards that makes it all worse - and why I can never forgive him.
I wish this lump in my throat would go away...
